Legend has it that Robert the Bruce, King of Scotland in the 14th century, after being defeated heavily by the English, cowered in a cave and contemplated his situation. While doing so, it is believed, he became inspired by, of all things, a spider which he watched spinning its web even though time after time it fell and had to start again. Many people see this as the inspiration behind the saying, “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”, allegedly coined by Thomas H Palmer in 1840.
There are numerous wonderful anecdotes or adages about failure, many starting with the phrase, “If at first you don’t succeed”. One has warned us that, “If at first you don’t succeed, you’ll get a lot of free advice from other folks who didn’t succeed either.” Then others have argued, “If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success”, “If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you”, “If at first you don’t succeed, try drinking a beer while you do it. You’ll be amazed at how much less you care.” However, W. C. Fields took a different stance: “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.” Other less helpful alternatives include the advice to “Blame your parents” or “Find out if the loser gets anything” or “Lie, lie again”. These are all people who offer their ten cents’ worth of advice on how to handle failure but do we know how to handle failure, as coaches and parents? We will not know until we have failed and by then it may too late.
There are many wonderful examples of people coming back from (apparent) failure by following the advice “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”. That sounds like good advice and it is certainly advice that Melina Robert-Michon, a French discus thrower who first appeared in the Olympic Games in Sydney aged 21, finishing in 29th place, seemed to take to heart. Four years later in Athens, while she threw the discus further than in Sydney, she came in 31st. Many budding athletes might have been tempted to step away from the sport at such a stage but she continued, finishing 8th in 2008 in Beijing, 5th in London in 2012 and 2nd in Rio in 2016. Her persistence paid off as she finally, at the age of 37, stepped onto the medal podium. Incredibly, 21 years after her first Olympic Games, she appeared in her fifth one, this time in Tokyo, and finished in 15th place, with a throw that bettered her 8th place finish in 2008. Her attitude was to believe that “I will persist until I succeed”.
While persistence is a vital quality in handling failure, so too is perspective. Perspective helps us see things correctly. Failure comes to us all at some stage. Far more people fail than succeed. Not everyone can be successful. Failure is never final nor need it be fatal. Failure will ultimately pass. Failure does not define us or give us worth. Success and failure are two sides of the same coin (heads and tails) but the value of the coin stays the same, no matter which side it lands.
The most important perspective of failure to pass on to our youngsters is for them to recognise that failure can be extremely positive and beneficial for us. It teaches us; it questions us (how important is this activity?); it motivates us (be it through the guilt, shame, anger that we experience); it strengthens us (bones and muscles are stronger after being broken); it redirects us (to do different things or to do things differently); it releases us (from the pressure of always having to succeed); it proves us and it warns us (failure is not pleasant so we will do everything we can to avoid it).
We tell our children to dream big, to aim high, to reach for the stars. That all sounds well and good. Of course, we want them to go far, to succeed. One big question remains though: what happens if they do not fulfil those dreams, if they do not reach the heights, if they do not hit the stars? The reality is that ninety-nine percent of people do not succeed in the areas they are wanting. In effect, by exhorting our youngsters to have such aims, we are actually setting our children up to fail yet we rarely do anything to prepare them for the ensuing failure. And if that is the case, we are being highly irresponsible, blind and negligent (negligence is, let us remember, one form of abuse).
If at first we do not succeed, we are not the first or only one. We must allow children to fail, especially in a safe, caring environment in order to prepare them for future failure (when the community may not be so safe or caring) and we must teach them how to handle failure. In short, we fail to win. If we do not, then we as coaches and parents have failed – and who will help us?