Legend has it that Robert the Bruce, King of Scotland in the 14^th century, after being defeated heavily  by the English, cowered in a cave and contemplated his situation. While doing so, it is believed, he  became inspired by, of all things, a spider which he watched spinning its web even though time after  time it fell and had to start again. Many people see this as the inspiration behind the saying, “If at  first you don’t succeed, try, try again”, allegedly coined by Thomas H Palmer in 1840.  

There are numerous wonderful anecdotes or adages about failure, many starting with the phrase, “If  at first you don’t succeed”. One has warned us that, “If at first you don’t succeed, you’ll get a lot of  free advice from other folks who didn’t succeed either.” Then others have argued, “If at first you  don’t succeed, redefine success”, “If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you”, “If at first  you don’t succeed, try drinking a beer while you do it. You’ll be amazed at how much less you care.”  However, W. C. Fields took a different stance: “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit.  There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.” Other less helpful alternatives include the advice to  “Blame your parents” or “Find out if the loser gets anything” or “Lie, lie again”. These are all people  who offer their ten cents’ worth of advice on how to handle failure but do we know how to handle  failure, as coaches and parents? We will not know until we have failed and by then it may too late.  

There are many wonderful examples of people coming back from (apparent) failure by following the  advice “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”. That sounds like good advice and it is certainly  advice that Melina Robert-Michon, a French discus thrower who first appeared in the Olympic  Games in Sydney aged 21, finishing in 29^th place, seemed to take to heart. Four years later in Athens,  while she threw the discus further than in Sydney, she came in 31^st. Many budding athletes might  have been tempted to step away from the sport at such a stage but she continued, finishing 8^th in  2008 in Beijing, 5^th in London in 2012 and 2^nd in Rio in 2016. Her persistence paid off as she finally, at  the age of 37, stepped onto the medal podium. Incredibly, 21 years after her first Olympic Games,  she appeared in her fifth one, this time in Tokyo, and finished in 15^th place, with a throw that  bettered her 8^th place finish in 2008. Her attitude was to believe that “I will persist until I succeed”.  

While persistence is a vital quality in handling failure, so too is perspective. Perspective helps us see  things correctly. Failure comes to us all at some stage. Far more people fail than succeed. Not  everyone can be successful. Failure is never final nor need it be fatal. Failure will ultimately pass.  Failure does not define us or give us worth. Success and failure are two sides of the same coin (heads  and tails) but the value of the coin stays the same, no matter which side it lands.  

The most important perspective of failure to pass on to our youngsters is for them to recognise that  failure can be extremely positive and beneficial for us. It teaches us; it questions us (how important  is this activity?); it motivates us (be it through the guilt, shame, anger that we experience); it  strengthens us (bones and muscles are stronger after being broken); it redirects us (to do different  things or to do things differently); it releases us (from the pressure of always having to succeed); it  proves us and it warns us (failure is not pleasant so we will do everything we can to avoid it).  

We tell our children to dream big, to aim high, to reach for the stars. That all sounds well and good.  Of course, we want them to go far, to succeed. One big question remains though: what happens if  they do not fulfil those dreams, if they do not reach the heights, if they do not hit the stars? The  reality is that ninety-nine percent of people do not succeed in the areas they are wanting. In effect,  by exhorting our youngsters to have such aims, we are actually setting our children up to fail yet we  rarely do anything to prepare them for the ensuing failure. And if that is the case, we are being  highly irresponsible, blind and negligent (negligence is, let us remember, one form of abuse).  

If at first we do not succeed, we are not the first or only one. We must allow children to fail,  especially in a safe, caring environment in order to prepare them for future failure (when the  community may not be so safe or caring) and we must teach them how to handle failure. In short,  we fail to win. If we do not, then we as coaches and parents have failed – and who will help us?