Many of us will be acutely aware of how competitive we are when we step onto a sports field. Once we cross the line, the adrenaline starts to pump, the juices begin to flow and we go all out to make sure we win. Any sportsman is going to be competitive. However, if we are not persuaded that sport is a good test of how competitive we actually are, there are two other scenarios where we will discover just how competitive we are – firstly, when we drive on our busy roads and secondly, and probably more significantly, when we have children of our own! Now it is not simply us against the opposition but now it is our child against the opposition and our child has to win, so that we can bask in the glory, not of his achievement but in the glory of our achievement in raising up such a talented youngster!
There is a wonderful sign displayed outside a school overseas which acknowledges this state of affairs and which advises parents that “Your child’s success or lack of success in sports does not indicate what kind of parent you are.” It then goes on to explain what does indicate what kind of a parent we are, with regard to sport. For now, though, it is worth us considering this first part.
The logic of this statement is that parents tend to think they are good parents if their child is good at sport; conversely they must think therefore that they are useless parents if their child does not do well in sport. Such parents think that if their child plays for the first team or provincial or even better the national team (albeit at age group level) then they have done a perfect job but they must hang their heads in shame if their child does not make the school team, let alone a higher team.
Of course, parents tend to forget that many children flourish at a younger age group level simply because they have developed faster than other children; when those weaker children grow and catch up they discover they are better. That means that, by using the same logic, the good parent who raised a child who was successful must now have become a bad parent because the child is no longer a success! Really?
The logic of this statement is also somewhat mislaid in the emotion of sport. Few parents seem to use this logic when it comes to music or drama; few parents consider their child’s ability or lack of ability in music or drama as being an indication of their success as a parent but sport, now that is a
different matter! No, it is not! If we try to show we are a good parent by ensuring our child is a success in sport we should be doing the same for him in academics, music, drama, chess and public speaking, just for starters. Why should it be sport that determines if we are a good parent?
If we were to take such logic even further, the sad truth is that there must be millions of parents who have failed as parents, as there are millions of children who have not succeeded at sport! So each year, there are only a small group of parents who can be defined as good parents because their child has played for a national age group team. The reality is that there are millions of parents who have been very good parents by producing children who have not necessarily been good at sport.
We must understand that our success as a parent is not dependent on our child’s sporting success. Such thinking only shows a blinkered, small-minded, immature person who is not likely going to be able to raise a successful sportsman. Our child’s success in sport is dependent on many things, and we as parents certainly play our part in that. However, the bottom line is this, as the initial quote
highlights: the effectiveness of us as a parent is not dependent on what our child achieves or does not achieve; success in sport does not equate to success in parenting. We must never become like the parent who tells his son “It doesn’t matter if you win or lose – unless you want Daddy’s love.”
Once we understand that, we will stop trying to prove ourselves as a parent by pushing our child harder and harder, especially if it becomes clearer that our child is actually not interested in sport.
After all, we are not competing to be the best parent; there is no Premier League of Parenting. There is no parenting World Cup; there is no promotion or relegation for parenting. Being a parent is not a competition. We say it again: “Your child’s success or lack of success in sports does not indicate what kind of parent you are.” How we respond to this statement will actually do so.
