There are times in life when we all have probably felt that, no matter how hard we try, we just cannot win! One man summed up this feeling as he reflected on his relationship with his wife: “If you work too hard, there’s never any time for her but if you don’t work enough, you’re a good-for nothing bum. If you mention how nice she looks, it’s sexual harassment but if you keep quiet, it’s male indifference. If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you’re sexist but if you don’t, you’re unromantic. If you try to keep yourself in shape, you’re vain but if you don’t, you’re a slob. If you buy her flowers, you’re after something but if you don’t, you’re not thoughtful. If you’re proud of your achievements, you’re full of yourself but if you don’t, you’re not ambitious. If she has a headache, she’s tired but if you have a headache, you don’t love her anymore.” We just can’t win!
Often, children feel like that with their parents: no matter what they do, it always seems to be wrong. They just cannot win! It seems the parent is always wanting more, is wanting better, is demanding greater. One youngster was playing for his school rugby first team, being watched by his father, and the youngster played brilliantly – he scored three tries, kicked numerous conversions and penalties, tackled fiercely, attacked bravely, a truly man-of-the-match performance. As he came off the field up to his father, his father’s only words were: “why did you drop the ball that time?” How did the young boy feel? The son can never win; he can certainly never win his father’s love or respect. Nothing is ever good enough.
In contrast, another teenage boy was desperate to beat his sporting father at golf, like many teenage boys, and his father knew it (after all, he had once been that teenage son himself). However, he did not let his son beat him but he ‘arranged’ it that every time they played the son got near enough to beat him (but not quite achieve it) so that he would push that bit harder the next time. It was not that the father did not like losing – far from it, he had long before learned to treat winning and losing in exactly the same way. What he did do was he gave his son enough encouragement to believe it was possible to face all the disappointments of losing and still be able to come back and win sometime. It was not a matter of we just cannot win; it became a matter that we can only just not win, so that we do keep trying! The son can win but it will not be easy.
On one occasion the son was within reach of a first victory over his father, being two holes ahead with two holes to play; he knew he could not lose and in fact all he had to do was equal his father’s score on just one of the two remaining holes and he would win the match! On the seventeenth hole, they both reached the green in two and the son putted first, being the furthest from the hole; his putt fell a few inches short so he picked the ball up as a ‘given’, as had happened all the way through the match. His father also two putted so the son claimed the victory, only to be told by his father that he, the father, had actually won the hole as he had not given the son the putt and therefore in picking up the ball his son had in effect conceded the hole! Technically he was right but he had been given such putts all the way through the round without being penalised before. However, the son put it out of his mind as he prepared for the final hole with even more determination. Once again, both reached the green on equal terms; once again, the son putted first, being the furthest from the hole; once again his putt fell inches short of the hole but this time the son did not pick the ball up but very deliberately and obviously went up to hole the putt. If the father missed his putt, the son would win the match! The father did miss the putt so the son thanked his father for the match, claiming the victory, only to be advised again by his father that he had not won the match as his father had won the last hole as well, because the son had putted out of turn and had not asked his father if he could do so, thus conceding a penalty! Once again, technically he was right, but come on!
It might well appear at times that we cannot win and in some ways that is good as it can make us try even harder. However, there are areas where we are not meant to win, such as relationships; we need a win/win situation, where everyone wins, even if that is not the case in sport. While sport teaches important, necessary life lessons, life is not sport and sport is not life. Where we cannot win we still can give it our best shot, without being vain or a slob – and in that way we do win!
