Have we ever wondered why on earth a seven year-old child does not stop to think that it is strange that he can beat a grown man with sporting accolades and achievements at a game of one-on-one soccer in the garden? How come such a child does not think it a little bit weird that he can outmanoeuvre his intelligent and successful-in-business father in a board game? Yet that is what happens in many homes around the country. The young children win – and win and win. We deliberately let them win – or more accurately, we intentionally do not allow them to lose, the reason being very simple. We do not like to face the consequences of our child losing – crying, screaming, shouting, stropping, sulking, storming off. We cannot face that so we let them win!
There is a problem there, though. If we are committed to teaching our children how to win (or more specifically, teaching them to handle winning), as we considered in a previous article, then it is even more incumbent upon us to teach them how to lose, or more specifically, how to handle losing, for a
number of reasons. Firstly, by the very nature of competition, not everyone can win; if someone wins then someone else will definitely lose. Secondly, it needs no great method of deduction to work out that more people lose than win; in an athletics race, one person wins but seven will lose (plus all those who did not qualify). Thirdly, everyone will lose at some stage in their life and career. If we teach people how to win but do not teach them how to lose, then we are being utterly irresponsible.
Some countries try to overcome the difficulty of losing by saying that everyone who enters the race is a winner; everyone must get a prize. Similarly, schools often disguise the level of class by giving it the name of the teacher instead of a number or a letter, so that the children do not feel bad for being in the lowest form. Seriously, children are not such fools to think they are all winners or ‘A’ streamers. No-one learns anything that way; much rather help them to learn to live with that reality. No, the way to lose, to face failure and disappointment, is to learn to lose and face failure.
The best way we as parents and educators can help our children to lose is by asking the right question. When a child comes home from playing a match, the parent’s first question is, “Did you win?” That is underlining for the child that winning is the first and only thing that matters about playing sport; if that message comes across, then the child will quickly realise that they only have value if they win, so it is no wonder that they scream, shout, sulk or strop if they lose, because they will feel they have no worth any more. Instead the question we would do better to ask is, “What did you learn from the match? Did you enjoy the match?”
Some coaches argue that players must not consider losing or else it will make them lose; they should not allow negative thoughts to enter their heads. The problem is that by focussing purely on winning, players do not concentrate on how they will be able to achieve it. People need to learn that winning is only the by-product of playing, so they should spend more time and thought on how they are playing and what they can learn to improve in their game.
Someone once pointed out that “No-one says ‘It is only a game’ when they win.” However, the fact is that it is only a game, whether we win or lose a game. Our life or our future does not depend on winning or losing – a career may, to a certain extent, but there is always another career awaiting. The love of our parents is not, and must not be, dependent on winning or losing; if it is, then there are also an awful lot of parents who are losers – they will lose their children.
Yes, it is a competitive world; and that is why schools play sporting fixtures, to help children learn to be competitive. But in competition as in life, there are always winners and losers, however much we may wish there only to be winners. We must not avoid, belittle, ignore, excuse or pity losing. Rather we need to acknowledge, admit and accept it, ask for correction and attempt the task again. We
must help them understand that they will need to have a positive attitude, belief in themselves, humility, humour, perspective, courage, determination and perseverance. Children must learn how to deal with losing. It will happen to them throughout life and the best place where they can learn that is at school, in a safe environment, and where there is time to recover. Let them lose.
