Emma Hayes has been in the spotlight recently, unsurprisingly no doubt, as the manager of the  Chelsea Women’s soccer team which has just won the Women’s English Premier League and Cup  double, having previously won a further seven League titles and a further four major trophies. She  has rightly been acknowledged as a hugely successful manager, as a result of which everyone seeks  to know what the secret of her success is, what motivates her to keep on being so successful. And  the answer that she has given is simple enough but equally perhaps surprising: “The fear of losing  drives me more than the will to win” (as reported in an interview on the BBC website in May 2023).  

That may well surprise many people; it may appear very negative, having a fear of losing when your  team continues to win so regularly. The statement also raises a number of questions. Is the fear of  losing what is really feared? What indeed is there to fear about losing? What is the problem with  such a fear? Furthermore, when it comes to coaching children, is a fear of losing something that we  should encourage them to have?  

Granted, fear is a powerful motivator, making us do things we might not do otherwise. We do not  like fear so we do whatever we can to avoid it, to remove it, to deal with it. It protects us; it prepares  us. It gives us a survival instinct in the face of danger That suggests therefore that a coach will do  everything possible to remove the faintest possibility of the team losing. Everything? Let us leave  that question aside for a moment though and simply accept that fear is a strong motivator.  

However, while fear can be a powerful motivator it can also be a desperate problem; it can lead to  panic, to inactivity, to negativity. If we have a fear of losing, we will tend not to take any risks; we  will endeavour to ensure we make no mistakes. It inhibits and restricts us. We put all our effort into  not letting in a goal instead of into scoring more goals than the opponents. It prevents us from doing  things we would otherwise enjoy.  

However, the most important thing we need to consider is if the fear of losing is indeed the real fear.  What is scary about losing a sporting fixture? There is no danger to one’s life in losing. There is no  threat to one’s health. We do not end up in hospital or jail. The fear perhaps is in what might ensue  from the loss. The loss of a fixture may lead to the loss of the job as manager. It may lead to the loss  of popularity or indeed the loss of self-esteem (if we build our sense of self-worth purely and inanely  on results of fickle sporting fixtures). It may lead to the loss of dignity, of face, making us  embarrassed or even humiliated. It may be more the fear of losing the respect of those whom we  value. Equally, it may lead to a sense of guilt that we are not able to achieve what others desire of  us. Such may be more fearful than the fear of losing. Yet none of those should apply to children.  

If that is the case, then we should address those matters, not try to win every fixture and avoid  losing at all costs. If those are the things we fear, so be it, but let us not call it a fear of losing. Losing  a sporting fixture is not to be feared – end of. If we fear losing our job because of our failure, then  maybe we are not in the right job. If we fear losing the respect of our peers, then we are certainly in  with the wrong crowd. If we fear the loss of dignity, then for sure we should find ways to avoid that.  

So, what should we be doing when we coach youngsters? Are we going to pass on this fear of losing  to our children? Do we want them to have such fear when naturally they are uninhibited and love to  try things? And should we not be helping them to handle fear positively and eliminate those things  that they might fear. Their value and worth does not depend on the result of a school sporting  fixture. They can grow and develop when they lose, more so that if they win, so that should negate  any feeling of being fearful of losing.  

We should be encouraging our youngsters not to compare themselves to others, especially the  winners; comparison, Jim Collins states, is “the cardinal sin of modern life” as it “traps us in a game  we cannot win”. We should be encouraging our youngsters not to worry about what other people  think of them; the only real question they should be asking is if they have done their best. If they  have, and they have lost, then there is no shame, fault or wrong in that. Let them play without fear.